I've always had a fondness for the octopus, and here I am speaking of all octopuses, not just that one I found at the Rincon when I was eleven. With their three hearts and blue blood, they fit right into my family, and sure, they're not the best correspondents, but still, I consider us close.

"So, what is the best style of octopus?" you're asking me, tilting your heads in that fetching way that garners you 10% off at the dry cleaners. My answer is tripartite, but succinct, for there are several factors to consider. Please follow along:

The Best Styles of Octopus
by Violet White

1. Consider the purpose for which you require this octopus. For example, if you are just trying to impress your neighbors, you might choose the Giant Pacific octopus, one of the largest styles available, and quite magnificent. If size is not an issue but you wish to poison a loved one, go with the Blue Ringed octopus. Bonus: it will match your eyes.
2. Will your acquisition of this octopus need to be shrouded in secrecy? My advice is to try the Mimic octopus. Skilled at impersonating several creatures of the sea, I'm certain it will be able to mimic your boyfriend, or whomever you require it to resemble. Just feed it some larval crab and let the training begin!
3. Are you getting an octopus in order to stand out from the crowd? For those who've tired of parading around with a brace of ocelots, there is another option for cultivating the title of Eccentric. Meet HEXAPUS! He is magnificent. A six-legged octopus, the only one known to exist. Someone has gone and named him "Henry," which I suppose has a certain old-money flair, but really, HEXAPUS is the finest name I can imagine for any living creature, and that includes my grandmother and the three feral kittens inhabiting the weeds near where I park my car. HEXAPUS! will never let you down. HEXAPUS! will draw every eye your way. HEXAPUS! screams "I am dangerously eccentric, but in a fantastic way!" You can wear anything when you're out with HEXAPUS!--heliotrope velour pantsuit? HEXAPUS! says "Mais oui!" Cardboard box shoes? All is possible with HEXAPUS! the ultimate accessory.

I hope that I have answered your octopus-related questions. Please do not question me regarding the correct plural of the word "octopus," because it will end in a long and tiresome lecture (delivered by me) of second-declension Latin nouns. Nobody wants that.

Sincerely,

Violet

Star of the day. . .Andy Garcia