My brother�s birthday is coming up soon, and I can�t sleaze by and send him the scarf I made for Christmas and forgot to include in the box, because I already told him about it, so I am looking for a good gift for him.

The best place to buy gifts for the person who has everything is, of course, �SkyMall,� that free catalogue distributed on airplanes under the assumption that brain cells function slower at high altitudes, so someone might be confused enough to call and order a talking action figure of Abraham Lincoln, or a $900 espresso machine.

SkyMall is a compilation of several companies� catalogues, bound together, so there�s a wide range of products, appealing to everyone from the paranoid germ-o-phobe to the nouveau-riche dilettante dependent upon external approval to sustain his fragile sense of self-worth. Many of the write-ups describe a product�s appeal with a nod toward showing up the neighbors, although if there do exist people impressed by say, personalized branding irons, I can�t say I�d want to know them socially.

So, here is a list of things I think E might like for his birthday. I�ve listed each item, then the SkyMall-mandated justification of its appeal:

• Disc Brake wall clock: ��ah, the stuff of dreams!�
• King Tutankhamen�s Egyptian Throne Chair (replica): �sure to impress guests and �Egyptophiles� alike.�
• �Tiki Gods�: �the Tikis help invoke the bohemian lifestyle�
• Hawaiian Hula Wahine Hanging Bamboo Screen: �looks great from any angle!�
• �Mombasa, the Garden Giraffe�: �sized to impress!�
• Ultimate Flyer sled: �So much fun on the slope, so great looking on the wall!�

I think I�m going to go with the �Mademoiselle Haute Couture� floor lamp, though. A bargain, at $395, I think this lifelike headless faux-leather mannequin will add a special, creepy note of sophisticated eeriness to my brother�s house. He�s going to be so impressed.

Star of the day. . .Xavier Cugat