I realize it�s very exciting, the prospect of commenting constantly on the various elements that appear nearly daily on this page, and so before everyone runs off half-cocked, I�d like to take a calm, cleansing breath (you do it, too�I�m doing this for your benefit, y�all) and set out some rational, thoughtful, kind, and planet-saving guidelines for how we can all just get along.

1. Primary rule number one!!!1There�s no need to get crazy.Believe me. I know the adrenaline burst that comes along with the possibility of registering one�s feelings on, say, the benefits of egg salad, but it�s important to remain in control. GENTLY press the �comment� link, then before typing, focus on a favorite color�say, hyacinth blue, that�s a nice one�and recite a line of a beloved poem. Then, and only then, begin to type your comment, using a steady pressure and rhythm.



2. Practice kindness and gentility towards all!!!!! It�s tempting to believe that each of us is the smartest and most articulate being the world has ever known. However, there is no need to �duke it out� for intellectual supremacy in the Spark and Foam comments section, especially when I am the final judge as to who reigns above all else. Let�s all hold virtual hands and express our respect for one another, keeping the smug, judgmental thoughts inside, where they can do the most good. Unless you absolutely cannot hold it in, and in that case, you should probably send me an e-mail directly, so that we can snark in private, and I can use it to fuel a week-long series of entries entitled �Betrayed: Secrets of My Online Readers� and sell it as a script to the Lifetime Network as a vehicle for Morgan Fairchild.



3. Give careful consideration to your greeting! Violet (i.e., me) is a sensitive and intelligent being, much like a dressage horse of superior lineage, skittish and always with the high-stepping and whinnying. She (i.e., I) must be approached with trepidation and an appreciation for high-end designer upholstery fabrics. �Dear Miss Violet� or �Most Regal Carbon-Based Life-Form� are appropriate forms of address, while �Snake Butt� is maybe not so good.



4. Avoid ad hominem attacks!!! �Ad hominem� is Latin for �a side of grits,� and this sort of attack is akin to showing up at Sugar�s Broiler for the early bird special and asking for extra bacon when the menu CLEARLY states �no substitutions.� Just don�t do it!



5. Spelling counts!!! When taking issue with my �viewpoints� please ensure correct spelling. I want to be able to understand exactly what you�re trying to tell me!

   Example:
   stuipd hoer (wrong)

   Stupid whore (correct!)




6. Everybody needs a little discipline now and again! You are all brilliant and attractive individuals on whom I count to tell me when I've goofed, or "pulled a boner," as dear old Ann Landers might have said, before she croaked. If you see a mistake here, let me know immediately! And don't spare the horses! If I forget to close the "strong" tag, write me RIGHT AWAY, "CLOSE YOUR TAGS, BITCH!" Don't mess around with polite language. You are people who do NOT have time to read text that is unnecessarily bold, and I need to remember that!!!!!1

I look forward to hearing from you all, all two of you.

All (and I mean ALL) my love,

Violet