I have developed a great new diet that I feel pretty certain will work for almost anyone. Because I love you, I will share the secret steps of this diet for FREE, but you have to promise that just before you go to sleep tonight, you will say a few small words to Jesus for something excellent and fortuitous to happen to me (Violet), OK? OK.

Violet's Excellent Mystery Diet!

1. Watch the Food Network Show "Unwrapped," which shows how various styles of candy are made. If you think about what most candy bars look like, you can probably imagine how a whole raft of them look bumbling along a conveyor belt into a waterfall of chocolate. It's like a documentary about Where Dog-Do Comes From, and you will not ever want to eat candy again, especially not something called a "Mountain Bar," which looks like a Chihuahua had an explosive surprise accident on your table.

2. Watch ads for Kirstie Alley's new show, "Fat Actress." Her weight actually doesn't have anything to do with the diet. She can be as fat as she wants--I do not care. She can weigh 1,400 pounds and roll around naked in stubs from her Cheers royalty checks, eating raw honey from a beehive--it's a free country. I just do not wish to see her dancing around in a satin gown to "Brick House," because a) I don't want to see ANYONE do that, and b) the expression on her face gives me the creeps and makes me not want to eat any more dinner, like maybe she poisoned it.

Star of the day. . .Euell Gibbons