En que yo le ver� en Infierno

It�s so great to be back at work, where I can kick back after a long weekend of social activity. Thank God I don�t have any friends here, so I can relax at my desk, free from the responsibility of casual conversation.

I spent Thursday and Friday in LA, emptying out Carson�s apartment�he�s in Atlanta, and so I spent a couple of days waiting for the cable guy, the UPS guy, the Salvation Army guy, and various folks who�d promised to come look at furniture I�d advertised on the list of Craig. �You are going to have a lot of flakes call,� one of them told me, �So just be prepared!� He then asserted that he was not one of these �flakes,� which I doubt, because so far he has failed to keep any of his appointments to look at the sofa he supposedly wants.

That out of the way, the Keelhauler and I could focus on other things, namely, our good friends Anthony and Lara, whose wedding was Saturday. When I have pictures, I�ll give a more detailed story, but suffice it to say that like everything else they do, it was stellar. They were married high on a mountain above the Pacific, in perfect weather, with a 180-degree view of the ocean, loads of family and friends, and a lot of delicious and free, free wine.

As luck would have it, a fire was burning over by Interstate 5�too far to pose danger to us, but it sent a dark cloud of smoke and ash over the mountains and the sea. As night fell, the wind changed and blew hot, scattering the proceedings with ash that fluttered down like snow. It didn�t hamper things a bit, and after much rumor and whispering amongst the guests, it was decided that our band should interrupt the musicians onstage and play a set, which we did.

We played three songs, affording lots of wonderful photo opportunities, as the bride is our bass player and the groom, the guitarist. As we played, we were showered with ash, which lent a certain apocalyptic flair to our version of Godzilla. Beautiful wedding memories like that don�t come along every day. �It�s like playing in Hell,� I announced, seeing that the bishop who�d officiated the ceremony had already left, as the ash covered my red cashmere sweater. During the chorus, the wedding guests raised their arms and yelled "Godzilla!" along with us, and at one point, I was aware of the Keelhauler, in an Italian suit and tie, stomping his way through the crowd on the dance floor in an approximation of the song's subject. I think we should get him a Godzilla costume--it could be a real show-stopper.

And actually, even without the costume, that number stopped the show. We surrendered the stage to the band who�d been hired to play, and went back to the party. Kent, who was in the band before he moved away with his lovely fiancee, grabbed me in a bear hug and yelled, �That was so great! I just want to hug you and squeeze you and rub you all over!� It was flattering, even with its Of Mice and Men overtones, and I grew hopeful that future audience members would have similar reactions. �Tell me about the band, George...�

Afterwards, the Keelhauler mentioned that he had the couple�s first dance song, "Ain't No Woman Like the One I Got," stuck in his head. "Not the whole thing," he said, �just one line.� Apparently the back-up singer had a slight accent that came through on the line "I'm a lonely man when she's gone." the Keelhauler explained that it wasn't the whole line, just the word "gone." As he described it, the whole line was smooth, and then "gone" was short and truncated. He can't stop singing it that way, trying for increased accuracy each time. He didn't point it out at the time, because he thought it might appear racist. When I called him just now to find out the exact wording of the line, he asked if I was blogging it. He was concerned that I write it in a way that makes it clear that he wasn't trying to rag on the guy's accent, just that he thought it was incongruous and humorous and not racist in any way.

So, last night after the Keelhauler got back from his John Birch Society meeting, he and I were crashed in front of the TV, and some movie was on one of the Spanish channels. Arnold S and a bunch of other guys in camouflage gear were shooting up a village in a jungle, using surprising force and lots of explosions against what seemed to be maybe three villagers and a lot of twigs and leaves. "What is this, Predator?" I asked. I've never seen Predator, but I remembered that Arnold was in it. It turns out that it was Predator, dubbed en espa�ol, which as it turns out had little effect on our comprehension of the events. The Keelhauler had seen it before, so he helped out, reciting the key lines as they came up. "It's using the trees" was one (�Utiliza los �rboles!�) , and I think "If it bleeds, we can kill it." (�Si tiene sangre, lo podemos matar.���If it has blood?� I asked the Keelhauler, who just rolled his eyes.)

Our superb experience was heightened by the interruption, every eight minutes or so, of commercials for the movie Predator. Or, Depredador, as it was listed, under shiny, rotating 3D letters reading �Cine de las Estrellas.� �Cine de los Gobernadores,� intoned the Keelhauler, referencing the appearance of both Arnold S and Jesse Ventura in the cast.

Have you ever seen that movie? Probably you have, because I am generally the last person to see any movie, but I�ll just spell out a couple of highlights, in case you want to join my Depredador listserv. Near the end of the picture, there is an excellent turn of events wherein the Depredador, who is apparently from outer space but lives in a remote South American jungle, takes off his elaborate electronic-enhanced space suit in order to fight Arnold, who's proved himself a worthy opponent, mano a mano. I did not previously realize that space aliens subscribe to a Western concept of honor, but there are many mysteries in this, our vast universe. As he removed his mask, I was struck with the thought of how much more awesome it would be if, instead of revealing a gruesome and multi-fanged alien maw, it turned out that Depredador had the head of Don Knotts.

It was also awesome when, after Arnold tricks Depredador into being smashed by a tree trunk ("Utiliza los �rboles!"), the Depredador presses a series of buttons on his computerized space arm, setting in motion a series of 1980s-era special effects, and for the first time speaks to Arnold. "What the hell, Depredador speaks English?" I asked the Keelhauler. "Spanish," he answered. "What did he say?" I asked. "See you in Hell," he answered. So, apparently Depredador subscribes to the Christian doctrine of cause and effect as concerns the afterlife. Interesting. This would make me tend to believe that Depredador is not actually a space alien, but grew up on Earth, possibly in America. I contemplated the further possibility that one might have a lucid conversacion with Depredador concerning his motivation for collecting human skulls. It turns out that the script never explored Depredador's moral code. Maybe it's covered in "Depredador 2," or "Alien vs. Depredador." Because if there is anyone who I wouldn't guess subscribed to the Christian doctrine of the afterlife, it is Alien. She is on her own plan, and she will bring the smackdown on you if you disagree, yo.

And so, let me assure you, will I.



Star of the day. . .Lucifer
posted @ 12:44 p.m. on September 18, 2006 before | after

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She lay awake all night,

zzzzzzzzzzz......