Eminent scientists at Spark and Foam Laboratories, i.e., me, working under a combination of rum and brightly colored stickers, have devised a wonderful and free MYSTICAL CRUSH NAME GENERATOR!!!!

It's so magical, you are going to VOMIT from joy!

Send me an e-mail or leave a comment, and I will enter your name (or pseudonym of choice) into the MYSTICAL CRUSH NAME GENERATOR and inform you of the result so you can start writing "Mr. (or Mrs.) Rivers Cuomo" or whatever on your Trapper-Keeper.

You can trust me. Here, as an example, is the result I got when I input my own name into the generator:

Violet White, you are the object of a crush held by....

Eclectic Scottish pop singer Donovan Leitch!!!

See? It totally works.

Your turn!