I�m having a Personal Beauty Day, which is a fiction I have devised for myself for use on days when I feel less than stellar. On these days, I am allowed to believe that my personal beauty is so extreme and stunning that I am exempt from the rules of traditional beauty. For example, I have convinced myself that the fluffy, overgrown ponytail I�m wearing today conforms to rules of style so far advanced that another fifteen years will pass before anyone even contemplates them.

I called a Personal Beauty Day when a coworker, in the process of explaining to another person that she was taking me to help clean out the file closet, said, �And we both wore our grungy clothes so that we wouldn�t get dirty!� I yelled, �I always dress like this,� which forced her to pretend that she had been kidding, but believe me: she is not possessed of that style of humor, if it can even be called humor. It is easier for me to trick myself into thinking that she is incapable of comprehending my daring combination of greenish-blue pants and black crew-neck sweater. Racy!

Compounding my personal beauty today is my period. (Sorry if I�m getting too personal, but I�ll keep it in extremely general terms, and make certain to avoid words like �slough� or �uterine lining.�) Well, to be more specific, the actual period is less troubling than the products I�ve employed to sop up the blood. For some reason, possibly the fluorescent lighting or the Journey playing over the sound system in the drug store, I was drawn to purchase a product called Dittie. Dittie! Here, Dittie! Here, girl! Sorry� the name sounds less like a tampon and more like a three-pound dog, to me. And yet I was drawn to purchase it anyway.

The premise of this Dittie is: Hey, girls! Periods are EMPOWERING! Let�s be proud of our bloodliness and cramps! Which is not only ludicrous, but apparently effective, because I purchased them. I think I was stunned into acquiescence by the illustration on the box of a girl standing, hands in her pockets, eyebrow cocked, wearing a sly expression that proclaims, �You go, girl! Way to slough off that uterine lining!� She looked positively evil, which I respected.

I did not realize until I returned home that each individual tampon wrapper bears a Message of Empowerment carrying the same sort of general goodwill as might be found in a fortune cookie, although minus the edible exterior (I assume). One reads �A true friend doesn�t just encourage your growth, she demands it,� a sentiment that seems debatable at best. Another says �Fast cars aren�t just for boys,� which I think is generally understood without the tampon industry stepping in. Because I read ahead, I also found �If this isn�t bleeding for a cause, what is?� although I�d be hard-pressed to determine the cause outside of general womanhood.

The Dittie website, which naturally I visited, offers a newsletter, The Monthly Cycle, where you can �Sign up to make your period more fun!� as they say, implying that there is already some fun inherent in a period. You can also �express yourself� and download Dittie-themed desktop wallpaper like this:

See how sly she is? I believe her expression is known to marketing executives as "Attitude." Whatever it is, that chick has got it in spades, so you KNOW you best not be messing with Period Girl! You probably can�t read the text on the note, but it includes something called �The Dittie Pledge,� and encourages women to join hands and recite:

In a stall, on the street, wherever I am, whenever I can, I pledge to share my Ditties with any girl, woman, mother, daughter, sister in need.

It�s kind of genius. �Let�s have buyers of our product promise to give them away to others for free!� Aside from that, I am not sure how displaying the Dittie Pledge on one�s desktop constitutes self-expression, but I�m willing to entertain discussion on the matter.

The whole thing is so relentlessly contrived�the message, �spreading the vibe, walking with pride� so idiotic and demeaning. I don�t see the point in feeling pride about menstruation or the methods of dealing with it. Yes! I take ADVIL! Go, Motrin Girl! If life hands you tampons, make tamponade!

My favorite tampon fortune reads:

Celebrate Courteney Cox, the first woman to say the word Period on TV.

I assume it means �the word Period, as it relates to menstruation,� but there�s only so much room on the wrapper. Maybe if you get the �extra-heavy� variety of Ditties, they go into more detail. Anyway, can�t you just imagine how proud Courteney Cox must be? I think �celebrating Courteney Cox� should enter the feminine hygiene lexicon, and I may devise a pledge to that effect, which we can recite as we all hold hands together.

But it�ll have to wait, because right now, I have to go, to celebrate Courteney Cox myself.

P. S.

To see is to believe. Get your Dittie on!

Star of the day. . .Matthew Perry