My favorite candy-colored badass Blue Meany tagged me to list five deeply irritating yet still popular things, and I couldn't be happier. Someone is asking me to complain: does it get any better than this? You know: for me, I mean. And no, it sure doesn't! I was totally planning to complain today anyway, but not about popular things. Now I have a mission. (I agree. My joy at having this mission is sad. Woo-hoo!)

So, here goes!

Five Items Whose Popularity is Unaffected by My Personal Disdain For Them
by Miss Violet V. de Winter

1. Personalized license plates involving the number 4 as a stand-in for the word FOR, or 2, meaning TO, indicating that the vehicle bearing the plates was a gift:. Am I a jealous bitch? I think we can all agree that I am, because when I see a license plate reading 2MYBABY or AUDI4U, my upper lip curls into an unflattering roll. Maybe it's a factor of living in Southern California, but I see at least one gift car a day, and always wonder who these people are. Don't you wonder? Who is giving each other all these cars? And more importantly, Why the hell has no one given ME a car with a personalized 4VIOLET license plate? Work on it, people. I'm starting to feel unloved. Wait, am I? No. I take it back. "2" and "4" license plates are dorky and I don't want one. Here endeth the first item.



2. Common-looking celebrity ciphers: This is a wide category, completely determined at my whim, but generally to include celebrities who resemble the dumb girl who used to try to cheat off my paper in M. La Croix's French class sophomore year. Characteristics include a button nose, vapid stare, simper and/or smirk, and may include long, square acrylic nails. Offenders include Tara Reid, Lindsay Lohan, and Carmen Electra. Were any of these girls to lose her celebrity status, she'd blend right in behind a cash register at the Wet Seal.



3. The Diamond Right Hand Ring: "Women of the world, RAISE YOUR RIGHT HAND," the ads implore, showing a supposedly strong, confident woman leveling a gaze at the camera, a haze of light emanating from her right hand in a show of consumer excellence. The diamond industry has finally broken down and given permission for diamond rings to be worn on the right hand! Yes, all those women who've filled up their left ring finger may now take the daring step of hounding their men to buy them a diamond ring for their right hand. It's ok! The diamond industry says so! They've developed a whole special line of rings to wear on the right hand, in styles called "floral," "romantic," and (humorously) "modern vintage." The ads pretty much guarantee that while the left-hand diamond indicates "mother," "wife" and "slave," the right-hand diamond ring screams "independence" and "strength"! or whatever. So... rush out today and get a diamond right-hand ring. Just don't put it on your left hand, or your vagina will fall off.



4. PT Cruisers: Again, maybe it's the Southern California location, but I'm sick to death of this particular object. I work with someone who bought one, and she squealed, pointing it out to me, "It's so ME! It's just... UH! It's just SO ME." The fact that she was talking in a really high, annoying baby voice at the time, and gathering her hands up in little fists near her mouth to indicate glee really tainted what tolerance I ever had for the PT Cruiser. There's just something irksome about a mass-produced, moderately interesting-looking mini-van that allows people to believe they're expressing individuality through its purchase. Worse: the "flames" paint package, the "fake wood" (or faux bois if you're Martha Stewart) side panel package. Worst: the custom license plate bearing any form of the word CRUISE, e.g., MYCRUZR or as I see around town a lot, CK[heart]2CRZ. I am not [heart]ing to CRZ with you, CK. I M SRRY.



5. Jimmy Buffett: I apologize to any "parrotheads" who are reading this, but I just don't get Jimmy Buffett. Go ahead and feel bad for me! I can take your pity. I take particular issue with his repeated, unsubstantiated claim to piracy. Wherein lies the piracy, other than his having stolen several hours of my personal time that I'd like back. As I understand it, a pirate was, even in the most romantic light, a nasty, dirty, violent psychopath who killed and stole for personal gain. I don't know about his hygiene regimen, but Jimmy Buffett seems to spend a lot of time singing, recording dismal Christmas albums, inspiring strangers to dress as various components of a cheeseburger, and being drunk while wearing Hawaiian shirts. That's not a pirate, that's a frat boy. The other problem I have with Mr. B is the fact that he is very popular with sailors, and I live aboard a boat, so I am exposed to his music all the time. I find his "Livin' the good life!" self-congratulatory faux-beachcomber attitude uber-grating, and I urge you to do the same. Here endeth the list.

I hereby tag Dinah, Maven, Misty, Jehsika and Monicatutu for this great and rewarding assignment.

Star of the day. . .Goliath