In my effort to increase my professionalism (or, let's be honest: my appearance of professionalism), today I picked up the copy of The Professional Secretary's Handbook left on a shelf here by some office worker long resigned. The book is blue, the title stamped in silver. The binding creaked when I opened the book, whose unmarred pages reveal that it spent more time on the shelf than open. That statement is likely true of most books, but this one seems particularly unloved.

I browsed the chapters, full of information on Dry Copying Processes and Special Mailing Problems--subjects that figure into my job, yet fail to hold my interest. I stopped when I reached a section entitled Clich�s. "Make no bones about it," the chapter began, "the word clich� means "a trite or overused expression or idea." Reading that, I was struck dumb. Almost. I could still emit hissing sounds and the word "referential," but nothing more.

Trite, overused expressions and ideas... but, those are the backbone of my craft! That, and overpunctuation. And sentence fragments, which I have sworn to give up.

Given my recent abandonment of adverbs ending in -ly, I was violently unwilling to give up the clich� as well. My resulting panic required several Salty Dogs and two chapters of "Succulent Wild Woman" but at last my heart resumed its usual tattoo. I'm feeling calmer, more centered. Also a slight tiny bit wasted, but what the hey--I'm at work!

I am unsure about the authority of the list, which along with �high and dry� and �sell like hot cakes� contains the phrases cynosure of all eyes and psychological moment--words difficult to use, much less overuse. Still, instead of complaining and �bringing everyone down,� (a clich�, but not on the list! Score one for Violet!) I've decided that I will look at this from a positive angle. That is what Zen and vodka will do for you. Instead of being the victim, I will become the teacher. That way, you can learn from me and I can assume the credit. I think it�s a win-win situation.

I�ve devised my own list of clich�s to avoid like the plague. Please adhere to it like glue. (See? That�s a joke. Now that I�m �centered,� I have a much more �lively� sense of humor.) I put them in alphabetical order. You�re welcome.

• A-OK � I think the letter A is overused, in general. With all its face-time at the front of the alphabet, and as indefinite article, does it really deserve another moment in the spotlight? I think not. Which is why this one is on the list. Suggested alternatives: B-OK, OK, Word up.


• buono buono molto buono come il piccolo polipo � Look, you�re not Italian, so don�t use this one. We�re all sick of it. And if you are Italian, then you probably aren�t reading this list. Just nix this one, OK, and let�s move on.


• clap like a flapping shingle scrap � while picturesque, this clich� is a little too �NASCAR� for my taste. Instead, try �clap like a flippy flapjack.� It�s precise and more to the point.


• far as the waves will splash � I am not opposed to nautical reference in writing, but this phrase has become far too common of late. Instead of referencing waves, draw upon imagery from less tangible sources�steam, perhaps, or Vaudeville.


• foot in the egg salad � We all need, from time to time, a solid way to explain that someone�s really clogged the duck, shot the flume for a sody pop, or carried out the last wishes of the metaphorical grandmother. But can we all agree to eliminate this phrase from general use, if only for a month? Thank you.


• striate the butter � While effective in culinary contexts, this antiquated phrase has been cropping up with increasing frequency in popular literature from sci-fi to hi-fi. Find some other way to express the concept of tax exemption, people, PLEASE!!


• tear up the finish on the laminate � Not a terrible phrase, but weak. Think of other things that could be torn up, and use those instead. Suggestion: greeting cards, crinoline. Explore.


• under a grey potential � Potential comes in many shades. Buy a box of Crayolas and see which color resonates with you.


• zorked and fibbled � These two seem always to go hand in hand, like peas in a pod. Try separating them for maximum dramatic effect, or pairing them with other adjectives. You may have to get a knife to get them apart, but it�ll be well worth the effort. Just try.

Happy writing, y�all!

Star of the day. . .Storm Large