A week of the Flu of Despair followed by a week of Catalina Party Extravaganza, followed by a good look in the mirror, have necessitated something a little out-of-character, which is: The Cleansing Diet of Mystery!

It's so exciting. I talked to Carson on the phone, and he told me all about a cleansing diet he'd done, the details of which were uninteresting to me until he revealed that he'd been permitted to drink vodka with grapefruit juice. Maybe it was vodka OR grapefruit juice, i.e., separately, but no matter: as soon as I heard the components of my favorite drink--the Salty Dog--listed, I signed on.

Carson's diet included two periods of twelve weeks each, which struck me as stringent and unlikely to engender success, so I went online and found another great cleansing diet. It seems similar to the one Carson recommended, but it lasts only 21 days, so I've decided to go with it. Its emphasis on raw foods is appealing, as I hate to cook.

I think you'll agree that there is almost nothing--NOTHING--more deeply fascinating than reading a stranger's account of what he ate for each meal of the day, so with that in mind, here is my Diet Diary!!! (It's so great, y'all!!!1)

DAY ONE!

Breakfast:

• Instant oatmeal


• An apple (green, which is a very healthy color, according to my online diet regulations!!)


• A tangerine


• The orange colored loops from a single-size box of Froot loops

LONCHE! (that's "lunch" in Mexican)

• Two apples (green, the color of health!)


• Baby spinach leaves (green!) (2 lbs.)


• One hard-boiled egg, which is technically cheating, but look, it's not like I ate two whole frozen pizzas or a box of wax lips, or something. Jesus. Get over it.


• Seven tangerines


• Juice of 52 carrots--at room temperature, because that is the best for my body, which I am now beginning to recognize as a holy temple! YAY for ME!!

(And at this point, I want to note that I am TOTALLY feeling the cleansing healing power of beautiful green, raw food. My body is already beginning to rid itself of toxins and poisons acquired through years of hanging around the McDonald's drive-thru, gleaning fries from the pavement. I am practically Demi Moore, without the red string bracelet, because that is Pagan.)

SNACK TIME!

NOTE: This is NOT cheating, this is SANCTIONED snacking, according to page 138 of my Diet Guidebook, which reads, in part, "..." Wait. I can't find it. I'm having a little trouble focusing my eyes, but somewhere in there, it says like, "Snacks are healthy and so go for it!" Or like that.

• Five raw almonds


• One gallon spring water (room temperature--the temperature of HEALTH!)


• One head Romaine lettuce, washed and dried and eaten like an apple


• One purple onion (This wards off colds, and although my body is now on its way to being toxin-free, there is still the likelihood that residue from my old, addictive behaviors could be lurking in my arteries, sending out bad emissions that cause colds.)


• Three Lorna Doone cookies--and OK, yes, that is CHEATING, but I put it down in here to show that *I am all about honesty*, OK? It's OK to cheat a little on a diet, as long as you can look yourself in the face afterwards and go, "OK, I cheated on my diet. That doesn't make me a bad person unworthy of love and respect of my peers." I am totally still on this diet, and the cleansing continues!

DINNER
According to the Diet of Mystery, dinner is allowed to be the best and most delicious meal of the day, so I went out on a limb and got the salt shaker out of the cupboard. *Me So Bad!!!*

• One green apple


• One-ounce cube raw-milk cheese


• 1/2 tsp raisins (chopped)


• 1 cup rolled oats, raw (gotta get that fiber going!)


• One box wax lips


• Two ripe avocados mixed with goat cheese, atop one loaf whole-grain focaccia


• One frozen pizza (uncooked)


• Ten ounces pure Polish vodka with fresh-squeezed grapefruit juice (no ice)


• One ounce fresh ginger, grated onto a quart of Haagen-Dazs ALL-NATURAL vanilla bean ice cream


• one gallon spring water, with mint for garnish

I can feel the burn already. In 21 days, I am going to be Gisele Bundchen! Or at least Leeza Gibbons. Ready for prime time, baby! I can't wait.

P.S.

Wax Lips

Star of the day. . .Burton Cummings