As a child, my role models of fiscal responsibility were few. Witness:

1. My father, whose idea of financial planning was to spend everything he earned on ill-fitting coordinates and patents for unnecessary inventions, then wander around the house in despair, crying, "Where does the money GO?!"


2. My mother, who funneled any money she got into clothes and idiosyncratic solutions to household problems. (Furniture torn up by cats? Buy several expensive puffy comforters and drape them over the offending areas!)


3. My paternal grandparents, who as an example of their true Yankee thriftiness, used the same tube of toothpaste at their summer house for years, packing it each fall, and unpacking it in the spring.

Since becoming a grown-up, I have taken it upon myself to learn financial sense. My success varies, but I feel that I've achieved mastery in one area, which is: Picking out checks. I am skilled and discerning in this forum, and can assist you, should you wish assistance, in finding checks that highlight your personality quirks, express religious beliefs, or advertise your fondness for cartoon frogs that drive imported cars. I am fluent in the unspoken language of personalized checks.

Today, I wrote out a check to the company that insures my boat, taking great pleasure in the way the ink from my pen flowed over the spots and stripes of the skinny showcat pictured on its purple background (see illustration).

ILLUSTRATION

The cat's name is Ravi, and you can see for yourself how elegant he is, how the tilt of his streamlined head invites confidence in the recipient that this is one check that will clear.

As I tore the check out, I saw a slip reading "Time to reorder!" and sank into a reverie tinged with sorrow. I have a choice before me: Do I reorder the Ravi checks--sweet Ravi, with his stripey little legs--or do I branch out and find something that expresses another aspect of myself outside of a fascination with spotty kittens?

Life being short, I revisited the website where I'd ordered the checks. They feature a whole line of show cat checks, and after a while, with apologies to Ravi, I settled on a more glamorous image (see illustration).

ILLUSTRATION

If this check were a has-been movie actress with a slightly ironic view of herself, it would be Zsa Zsa Gabor. The fur! The inexplicable crystal bowl! The fur! I love it.

Or... I loved it. I hate to seem fickle, but when I clicked on the main page to place my order, I saw the complete listing of all the available check styles, in the following categories:

• Cat checks


• Dog checks


• Misc. Topics


• Scenery


• Donny Osmond

Donny Osmond? How had I missed out on this important opportunity to express my love for Donny? I clicked the link, and found several spectacular images of "modern" Donny: moody black-and-white images reflecting a mature artist, far distanced from the purple sock-wearing tooth machine of the late '70s. (See illustration, yet again.)

ILLUSTRATION

This is DON Osmond, Fiscally Responsible Recording Artist. Could he lead my charge toward financial security, via his appearance on my checks? I was unsure. Suddenly aware of a world of check designs, I searched online for more options. (It's this instant inclination toward overkill that fuels the majority of my unwise financial decisions, and I struggle with it daily.)

I was stunned into drooling by the sheer number of checks available. "Precious angels." "Jesus, Light of the World." Sassy cartoon couture models, who send the message, "I may live in Omaha, but I've seen every episode of 'Sex and the City,' and you cannot stop me from getting my fash' on, if I present two forms of ID at Old Navy."

The world of personalized checks has no borders. Every site I visited enchanted me. There were checks with crayons (with the tagline "Everyone loves crayons!"). There were "Value Priced Mountains" and something called "The Romance of Kennywood," listed under the "Transportation" category. (I looked at that one, and apparently carousels are now considered a form of transportation.) It is also possible, I learned, to upload a picture of my choice, and have that printed on each check, as in the following example (see illustration):

ILLUSTRATION

Delightful! And perfect for the person who wishes to memorialize the day Connor popped his first wheelie. If only I had some momentous occasion to celebrate, but while my collection of Polaroids is vast, in reviewing it I find only assorted images of various out-of-focus cocktails and close-up, gap-mouthed drunks.

After several hours of searching, I found myself hung up between two excellent choices, the "Dental 2" and the "European Castles." "Dental 2" featured large, smiling cartoon teeth, and was touted as "a fun way to emphasize the importance of dental care." It does seem fun, and I liked the meta-dental element of teeth with teeth. "European Castles" included a misty photo of some ruins, promising to lend an air of aristocratic lineage and faded grandeur to each transaction.

And so, it seems I'm at a crossroads. Or something. There don't seem to be any roads, even metaphorical. I just can't decide which checks to order. Time is running out. My checks are running out.

It's funny: if any of you asked me for advice on which personalized check would best express the joy and the sorrow of being You, I would know in an instant. Yet the options for financially related self-expression have wound me into a knot. I know I can get through it, with a little help, a little luck, and a handful of prescription drugs.

Don't cry for me--I will persevere.

P.S. -- UPDATE!!!

I found my checks (see illustration):

ILLUSTRATION



It shows me (Violet--on the left) and my ...brother, Jack ...as we appeared in the offbeat quirkfest "Coffee and Cigarettes," or rather as we WOULD have appeared, had Jarmusch not kicked me out in favor of our conniving sister Meg. Because that is my new premise here at Spark and Foam: that I am the third White Stripe, kept in the shadows by my manipulative older sister. Yes... that oughta work.

Kat photographs � He1mi F1ick

Star of the day. . .The Sylvers