And now, the results of the fantastic Celebrity Guessing Game I instituted a couple of days ago:

It all went down like this: About a month ago, I went to see Jonathan Richman at a club in town. Because my boss also likes Jonathan, I invited him to go along, and to my surprise, he accepted.

Hanging around before the show, we ran into a group of people that my boss knows. I expressed surprise that his friends were there, because I like to rub it in that my boss is not hip at all. He explained that his friends had come along with someone they knew, a guy who�d had Jonathan play at his wedding. (Whatever. He didn�t invite me, so this is not interesting news.)

So, along comes a guy in a jumpsuit, open at the neck. He is introduced to me by his first name only, which is a simple name, like Pete or Bob. My boss tells me under his breath that jumpsuit guy is the one who had Jonathan play at his wedding. (Still: Whatever.) So, we chat for a minute, and I have astoundingly little to say, so decide to look around for any wine in evidence. There is plenty.

After the show, I strolled back to the bar, and there was jumpsuit guy talking to Jonathan�s drummer, with whom I am acquainted. The quantities of wine and the lateness of the hour conspired to force me to make some ridiculous borderline insult about his jumpsuit, and lord only knows what else. Then, a friend of mine approached, and I moved onto a new conversation. And then, I forgot most of the incident, because it failed to hold my interest. Exactly as is happening to you right now.

So, a month of days passed by, and out of the blue, my boss e-mailed me to reveal that although his friends had not wanted to tell me, the guy in the jumpsuit was one of the Farrelly brothers. His friends kept mum because they wanted to be discreet. Apparently, they realized upon meeting me for the first time that, informed that the person I�m speaking to is one of the directors of �Dumb and Dumber,� I would immediately melt into a shimmering mass of babble, and go into a long and unwelcome Jim Carrey impression. �Ah lack it a lah�. No, wait�I can do it better! Ah laaack it a LAH�.� Yes!

Thank God my boss�s friends stopped me before anything could happen, because as it happens, I keep on my person a detailed and lengthy list of questions I could ask a Farrelly brother, should I ever be blessed by God and meet one. It goes like this:

Questions I Could Ask a Farrelly Brother, Should I Ever Be Blessed By God and Meet One

1. Cameron Diaz�s character in �There�s Something About Mary� really likes sports and chili dogs. Is the �something� about Mary that she�s a guy?


2. In �Kingpin,� why does Bill Murray�s character, during the breakfast scene with Woody Harrelson, suddenly develop a New York accent, which then disappears in all subsequent scenes?


3. Are you Peter or Bobby?


4. �Me, Myself and Irene� didn�t seem that funny to me. Can you explain why?


5. Does Cameron Diaz sharpen her own nipples?


6. I�m sorry: did you say you were Peter?


7. Does this place have an open bar?

And that�s the whole story. Mostly.

Oh, and I�m still not sure which Farrelly I met. Which seems only fair, as I�m sure he doesn�t know which of my personalities he met.

Star of the day. . .Randy Quaid