I've been displaced from my usual desk, and as I type this, I'm sitting in the office formerly occupied by the last guy who was canned from this joint. There is nothing to indicate his occupation of the office, outside of a grubby phone and a box of instant dal ("simply heat and eat"). It's so simple yet unappealing, like the act of disinfecting the phone, which was my first official duty upon taking possession of this office.

In the Good News category, I am pleased to report that Orange Kat has returned. Catlike, she waited until I had patrolled the entire neighborhood, introducing myself to strangers, who were kind but slightly taken-aback by my watery smile and tear-stained face. I carried a little basket with a green gingham pillow inside it, and wore a little Hollie Hobbie bonnet for maximum orphan appeal. "Have you seen my kitty?" I asked, looking hopefully into their eyes. I should have anticipated the salacious answer that query would bring, and eventually, an encounter with "Dirk" the landscaper a couple of blocks over, forced me to change my approach.

Regardless, none of these miscreants had any useful information on the whereabouts of Orange Kat, so I began my phone campaign. I was on the phone with Mistress Andromeda, our friendly neighborhood dominatrix, when the cat returned, from an indeterminate location in the shrubbery at the rear of the garden. She was dirty and skittish, like she'd spent the night in an Atlantic City drunk tank. The look is one I know well. I gave her some dinner and brushed her with her favorite cherry-red plastic comb, and all was honey and tea-whistles for the rest of the night.

Good News, part B: The Keelhauler called last night from San Diego to report that he'd scored 100% on the practice exam for the Captain's license he's studying to get. He was very pleased with himself, and rightly so--the test is full of questions like:

INLAND ONLY: If you are aboard BOAT A and wish to pass BOAT B, positioned as in FIGURE 14, on her starboard side, in a narrow channel, in the fog, and BOAT B is displaying a black cylinder and three green lights on the yard, what signal should you give?

A. One short blast
B. One long blast
C. Six short blasts followed by one long blast and a verbal "HALLOOOOOOOO MOTHERFUCKERS!"
D. All of the above

So, as you can see by my extremely accurate and Coast Guard-approved example, passing this test requires arcane and specific knowledge, and we should all congratulate the Keelhauler right now on his accomplishment. Gooooo, Keelhauler!

And, now I'm going to go back to work, playing my one CD I remembered to bring to my new, great office. It's called "Venus," by We Are The Fury, and I bought it directly from the lead singer of the band when they were in town opening for the Electric Six, so it is extra-special and blessed.

May your day be filled with great luck.

Star of the day. . .Jeremy Lublin