Here� come a little closer. I�m not really sure about this new perfume I�m wearing, and I want a second opinion. It�s called Jardin sur le Nil, and it�s one of the many free samples I got at Sephora recently. (As I understand it, receiving products for free makes me an environmentalist, so I�m just doing my part to love the Earth, in the spirit of the holidays. Merry Christmas, Earth! Merry Christmas, Baby Jesus!) Here�s a picture of this perfume, so you can revel in its elegance. (See illustration)

ILLUSTRATION

There it is on the left, and yes, that�s me on the right�seven feet tall, eighty pounds of store-bought mystery.

The instructor of a mandatory customer service training I attended last year taught us (through pantomime) the correct method of applying perfume, which she explained as �Spray, delay� and walk away.� I have trouble following the instructions, as they seem illogical. The �Spray� part is clear enough: Spray a cloud of perfume into the air. But then, it all breaks down in the �Delay� section. The instructor used the �Delay� to step into her imaginary cloud of perfume, which she did not describe, but I�m guessing was the Designer Imposters version of Giorgio Red. I experienced cognitive dissonance, watching her exclaim �Delay!� while in fact she was moving forward, which movement seemed to me to represent the �Walk Away� section of the dance. She didn�t include a segment entitled �Retain a Smug Expression On Your Face and Scan the Room for Approval,� but that may just be because it didn�t fit the rhyme scheme.

I�ve abandoned these rules, these ridiculous rules, in favor of my own approach, which is, �Spray Perfume Liberally In All Directions, That the World May Know Your Glory.� I�m happy with it, and really, isn�t that what matters?

And as far as being happy is concerned, I should mention my current dismay, unmitigated by free perfume samples, at the refusal by the other members of my band to play certain songs I think would be great. At practice last night, we discussed several possible cover songs we might learn, and among other suggestions, I put forth for discussion the great 1970s classic �Christine Sixteen� by Kiss. No one actually shouted it down, but the resounding silence and disgruntled looks told me all I needed to know, and no amount of singing or heavy-metal wailing on my part could convince them otherwise.

It is so unfair. I don�t know the specific reason for the denial, although Mathrock, our guitarist, did laugh out loud at the line, �She�s been around, but she�s young and clean.� I don�t know why. I think it�s a lovely sentiment, especially when sung by a man in silver leather pants. �Look how pure she looks,� it says, while acknowledging her ability to burn up the sheets. How is that objectionable? Although just now, looking up the lyrics to that line, I came across a mention that the Gin Blossoms covered Christine Sixteen, so perhaps it�s best to just Spray, Delay, and Walk Away.

Star of the day. . .David Lowery