Imagine there's no boyfriend

Let's have a word on imaginary boyfriends. (Or, because this is me writing, many words--you can skip over the ones you don't like.) I'm going to try to ignore the tiny white dog sitting under my chair and growling for some unknown reason, and focus on the important subject of the Imaginary Boyfriend.

Amy Sedaris is in the Utne Reader this month, talking about her Imaginary Boyfriend. I think his name is "Ricky." I saw Amy on Conan O'Brien once, and when Conan asked her about Ricky, she turned coy and said happily, "We're talking about getting married...!" I admire her commitment to the relationship, and I have to believe that real guys are fascinated by her inattainability, and flock to her like crows. Also, she is famous and really hilarious, but the IB angle has got to be a guy-magnet.

I do not have a serious, committed Imaginary Boyfriend, but my boyfriend works on a ship for weeks at a time, so there is a lot of time where I feel like he is imaginary. True, I hear his voice on the phone, calling me at 3:30 in the morning to ask things like whether I found the power cord for the autopilot, but he's not physically present. He's like, my training boyfriend, halfway between Imaginary and Committed. It's a good mix, because although he is 50% Imaginary, he can still come back to land and fix the sink.

So, my friends Tahmi and Scarlett need new IBs. I've met their current IBs, and frankly, these girls can do way better. The best way to have an IB, it seems to me, is not to pick an actual guy who is not your boyfriend and imagine that you're involved, because that way you just end up disgruntled when you see them in person and face the truth. Rather, imagine someone great and stellar and focus on him until he appears, or the IB Guy Magnet Power draws an equivalent to you. (This is a new theory, and I'm just testing it out, but bear with me. As you know, I am a super-genius, so there's a good chance this idea will be the E=MC2 of the 2000s.)

First, pick some qualities that you really like, for instance:


articulate
courteous toward civil servants
metrosexual

Then, pick a profession (you will need to be able to tell people what he does for a living). Pick something interesting but vague:


research scientist
oceanographer
Teamster

Avoid esoteric things like "glass blower" because unless you have a lot of art-glass object in your house, people will ask to see his work and then you'll be screwed. (Alternative: you could say he works at the Anchor Hocking plant, and produce water glasses as evidence of his craft.)

Now, think of a name. Here are some good names:

Berendt (even though it might seem a little Aryan, it implies a certain strength, like he could fix a rowboat)
Tierney (you can complain about his feisty temperament, plus everyone loves Irish pubs, and you can tell colorful stories about how he used to work at one, like in Cork, or something)
Winston (he might have a trust fund)

You can invent a colorful nickname (e.g., "The Keelhauler," although not actually "The Keelhauler," OK?), and further, I would avoid names ending in "IE" or "Y," as you don't want your friends to think you've picked up this IB at a playground.

You're halfway there! Now, pick an astrological sign for your IB, so you can talk about your compatibility and do your "charts," and all that, online. Some good ones:

Taurus (strong, but stubborn--you can have powerful contests of will that will keep the flame burning!)
Gemini (His dual nature will keep you guessing, but his gentle spirit will balance out your more flighty tendencies)

You can also choose to give him the same birthday as yours, in order to justify descriptions of how your similarities only go so far, and how interesting that is. See? There is tons to talk about, when you create a really well-rounded IB. Your friends will be fascinated, I am sure of it.

Then, buy two candles--like those religious candles with pictures of saints looking anguished, only with the astrological sign of your IB on one, and yours on another. If you can't find any, get plain candles in glass holders, and glue on a collage of all the great qualities of each sign. Like, if it's Leo, you could glue on a picture of a male lion with a full and healthy mane! Create a shrine using objects symbolizing this new IB (a wrench, a piece of Mrs. See's candy, etc.) and light the candles every night while focusing on all his great personality traits and how nice he is to you. The point here is to focus on what could be, not what isn't, and so by eliminating thoughts of an actual human being you are not dating, you can focus on the fascinating person you want to meet. Because let's face it--this IB, when he materializes, is most likely not going to be someone you already know.

So, this has been Imaginary Boyfriend Corner. Get those shrines burning, girls!



Star of the day. . .Carson McCullers
posted @ 7:16 a.m. on November 21 before | after

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She lay awake all night,

zzzzzzzzzzz......