Carson called me yesterday to say that he was listening to Carti Parti II, one of the mix CDs I made him after a lot of his CDs were stolen from his car. It is a good mix. (My secret is that all the cuts are arranged alphabetically. I know. It's genius.)

Figuring I was on a roll, I decided to make a new CD for my best friend Shandy's two boys. I'm not really in tune with how old her kids are, or any kids, really--they're either old enough to make out with (18--please, I'm not a pervert) or they're not, and her kids are not, so they could be, like, five and three. Or seven and four. I don't know. Today, just to illustrate, I learned that my cousin's baby daughter, whom I would have guessed was born about eight months ago, is in reality seven years old. So you can see I am not an accurate judge of kids' ages.

Anyway, I have lots of great songs, like "Let's Squiggle" by Porter Wagoner, and "Balloon Man" by Robyn Hitchcock--songs that aren't necessarily kids' songs, per se, but that kids could enjoy. The kid in all of us. All that.

So, I put together this great mix, which starts with Jimmy Page saying, "Hello. This is Jimmy Page, and I wanna hear some rock and roll!" and segues into the aforementioned "Let's Squiggle," and moves on from there. At the last minute, I decided to add this great song by Tucson band Gila Bend. It's called "Big Blue Ford," and it's kind of unofficially the Keelhauler's and my "song," although if you ask him what "our song" is, he will answer without hesitation, "Today's Tom Sawyer," or whatever that song is called, by Rush. So, I put in "Big Blue Ford," which is a terrific song where the guy sings about how he's broke, but when he has money, everything's gonna be great and they're gonna have this great big truck and everything--perfect for boys, I thought. Except that right after I started burning the CD, I realized that the bridge of the song goes like this:

Can't seem to get ahead and I'm feeling stuck
I make ten bucks a day and spend twenty
AW, FUCK!

The "AW, FUCK!" part is not at all subtle, in that it appears to be yelled by all members of the band in unison, several times during the course of the song.

It was too late to stop the burning process, at least as far as my minimal computer skills are concerned, so I now own two copies of the Tune-o-Rama, one that requires a Parental Advisory label.

I'll tell you what's on it, and the first person to holler will get it, free of charge, as a gift from me, Violet. It's guaranteed to entertain!

TUNE-O-RAMA!

1. Message to the Youth - Jimmy Page


2. Let's Squiggle - Porter Wagoner


3. If I Had a Boat - Lyle Lovett


4. Hip Monkey - Frankie Loren


5. Fifty Years After the Fair - Aimee Mann


6. We Got Cactus - Al Perry


7. No Parachute - April March


8. Kites Are Fun - The Free Design


9. Digga Digga Do - Asylum Street Spankers


10. I Like Yellow Things - Bobbi Blake


11. Alone Again Or... - Calexico


12. Kaw-Liga - Charlie Pride


13. We're Going to Be Friends - The White Stripes


14. Somebody Loves You - Crystal Gayle


15. The Late Great Golden State - Dwight Yoakam


16. Jersey Bounce - Ella Fitzgerald


17. Roller Coaster by the Sea - Modern Lovers


18. Jumpin' Beans - Frank Black


19. I've Been Everywhere - Johnny Cash


20. Car Wheels on a Gravel Road - Lucinda Williams


21. Chella La - Renato Corasone


22. Me and My Arrow - Harry Nilsson


23. Snowbows - Stan Beard & the Swinging Strings


24. Big Blue Ford - Gila Bend


25. Balloon Man - Robyn Hitchcock


26. Vincent van Gogh - Jonathan Richman


27. Donde Estas, Yolanda? - Pink Martini

And there you have it.

P. S.

Let's have a hand for dangerous, dangerous books! They're doubleplusungooderific!

Star of the day. . .Lorne Dircks