Based on my experience so far this morning at work, I believe that today is Complaint Day. Amendment: Complaint And/Or Things Being Broken Day. That's kind of redundant, so let's just go back to Complaint Day. Happy Complaint Day, everybody! Isn't it great? I think so, too. But I wish someone would have informed me sooner. (Working in a complaint = skillz)

Today is also my friend Curt's birthday, so let's all say Happy Birthday to him! OK, good enough. If he complains that our well-wishes didn't seem sincere, I guess he has a right.

I do not wish to review every complaint I have gotten today, because what is that? That is DULL and SELF-SERVING. And here at Spark and Foam, I like to highlight the dullness and self-servingness of others, rather than indulge in it myself. So, here's a little story of my favorite complaint, received today via some higher-ups in the organization.

The Complainant, whom I'll call Mr. A, typed a letter, like on a typewriter, to inform the head of my company that a certain individual in his neighborhood had, in an act of nerve and bad citizenship, installed a new gate to his walkway. I know: but hold your outrage; it gets worse. This heedless gate-installer had installed a gate constructed of NEW WOOD, which did not match the neighboring gates, which = new wood + time. Mr. A requested that my company bring enforcement upon reckless gate-installer, requiring him to paint the gate, hence avoiding a dissonant color clash and (I guess) ensuing chronic migraines on the part of Sir A. He stated specifically that he did not wish to wait the necessary two or three years for the wood to age naturally.

When people in this town congratulate themselves, as happens frequently, on their great fortune and good taste to live in "Paradise," I think of the many letters I get, similar to Mr. A's, wherein supposedly well-meaning citizens investigate neighboring properties for things like inharmonious gate colors, and attempt to bring suit against the owners of same. (Most frequently used phrase: "I shouldn't have to look at that.")

And look at that: it seems that I have broken my own dull/self-serving rule! Well, you know where to address your complaints.

Star of the day. . .Papa Jupiter