To raise money for charity, my company is holding a silent auction and has solicited items from all of us. Suggestions include gift certificates, and uh... I can't remember, because as soon as I heard "gift certificate," my head drooped back and I started snoring, with drool and everything.

Through experience, I have learned that my suggestions are not always "welcomed" with open arms, so I held my tongue and figured I'd quietly return to my desk to dream up some good auction items.

So far, this is all I have:

1. Portrait of the highest bidder, to be completed by me using stolen office supplies;


2. One "make out" session (with me) during working hours (winner subject to my approval);


3. One-hour wardrobe assessment (by me);


4. Personality test written and administered by me, with report of conclusions drawn to follow within a week;


5. Collection of dirt-filled terra cotta pots currently residing on my work balcony;


6. Bus ride to the destination of the winner's choice! (Within city limits);


7. One song, on the subject of the winner's choice, to be written and performed by me while accompanying myself on an unamplified, unplugged electric guitar;


8. My endless love, with accompanying certificate of authenticity;


9. One hour of watching people in the parking lot of the halfway house across the street from my balcony (with commentary by me);


10. One videotape containing most of season one of the Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries and part of a movie I think is "Young Sherlock Holmes";


11. A slap upside the head and a cold stare.

But... we'll see how I feel in an hour. I might just decide to stare out the window at the parking lot, hogging all that great people-watching myself, and call it a day.

In other news: CHAVIS, if you are reading this, last night I had a dream that you sent me a thoughtful e-mail explaining that, after considering my advice, you had decided to change your life direction and become a bus driver. If you are actually doing this, can I offer your services in the silent auction? It's October 19th, so let me know.

Star of the day. . .Rod Serling