During a protracted argument regarding why, exactly, we had had a fight, The Keelhauler exhausted all his unconvincing responses, including:

1. I wasn�t staring at that girl.

2. I was staring at that girl, but only because I thought she was weird.

3. It wasn�t like I was doing the shook with that girl.

4. She wasn�t interested in me; she was only trying to make her boyfriend jealous.

5. You totally overreacted to the whole thing.

(While I happen to agree with #4, it�s really beside the point. )

Finally, he apologized, also in several stages, beginning with the very shady �I apologize if you were hurt by my actions,� and ending, eventually, with �I am sorry that I did what I did.� By that time, the whole thing was wholly anticlimactic. I really don�t want to have to work that hard for an apology.

I think it would be easier to get the entire state of Wisconsin to agree to wear matching hats than it is to get The Keelhauler to apologize sincerely for even the slightest thing. (The key word here is, of course, �get.� There are almost no spontaneous apologies with The Keelhauler.)

In his words: Whatever.

Star of the day. . .John Turturro