Alphabetic/apathetic
ACCENT: None. Although people from Massachusetts can generally tell I�m a landsman. (That�s fancy for �homie.�) My parents� one gift to me was not, as the Keelhauler bizarrely suggested, �the hatred of all food that�s brown,� but rather the insistence that I did not end up with a Boston accent. Thank you, mumsie! IOU one mother�s day present!
BOOZE: Red wine, Champagne, Island Brewing Company�s Tropical Paradise lager, and� all that other stuff, too. The Jager. The Goldschlager. The� the� anything commonly associated with body shots, because that is hott, and I am a party and a half.
CHORE I HATE: Cleaning out my car. Which is why I never do it. Here are some things currently riding around in my car: a fluorescent cherry-red polyester double-knit cape; a 2-horsepower outboard motor; several pairs of sailing gloves; a jug of laundry detergent from Restoration Hardware (scent: ginger-grapefruit); and a bullwhip.
DOGS/CATS: I don�t have any, but I was going to write �I don�t OWN any,� which made me think of this guy who worked for my company as a temp in Boston. When asked if he owned a pet, he snuffled uncomfortably and answered, �Well, as much as one might be said to OWN any living being.� He was a fucking blast, that guy. I should Google him.
ESSENTIAL ELECTRONICS: Various. Nothing exciting.
FAVORITE PERFUME: I revel in perfume, and roll around in the empty bottles when no one�s home but me. Choosing a favorite is like trying to pick my most beloved grape in a bunch, in that it�s both pointless and uninteresting. At the moment, I�m wearing Green Irish Tweed, by Creed�not the band, surprisingly enough, but a parfumier depuis 1760, if you believe the hype on the engraved card that comes with the bottle. �Whatever, Frenchie� is what I say, spritzing myself with more of it. I also wear Chanel No. 5 and/or No. 19; Hermes 24 Faubourg or Hiris; Ralph Lauren�s Pure Turquoise; and Love�s Lemony Baby Soft, like all us sweethearts.
GOLD/SILVER: I prefer the faux gold, preferably with the finish wearing off, so the base metal shows through for that �old money� appeal.
HOMETOWN: Does this mean �where were you born�? Boston.
INSOMNIA: Si. I cannot sleep, for fear something will be looking at me once my eyes are closed.
JOB TITLE: Enthusiast.
KIDS: None, that I know of.
LIVING ARRANGEMENT: On a sailboat, with my boyfriend the Keelhauler and my host of imaginary office supplies.
MOST ADMIRED TRAIT: Silence.
NUMBER OF SEXUAL PARTNERS: Zero.
OVERNIGHT HOSPITAL STAYS: Somewhere between 40 and 45.
PHOBIAS: I�m not terribly phobia-riddled, but I am occasionally afraid that someone is publishing stories on the internet about how much I hate my job. Oh, and that I�ll end up in the gutter, alone and broke, with none of my real teeth left, and only one hairbrush.
QUOTE: �This is my happening, and it freaks me out!� -- Z-Man Barzel, �Beyond the Valley of the Dolls.�
RELIGION: Lapsed Episcopalian.
SIBLINGS: I have one brother.
TIME I USUALLY WAKE UP: I never sleep.
UNUSUAL TALENT: All my talents are usual.
VEGETABLE I REFUSE TO EAT: Clams.
WORST HABIT: Self-aggrandizement.
X-RAYS: I�m agin �em.
YUMMY FOODS I CAN MAKE: Microwave popcorn. It is SO good, y�all?
ZODIAC SIGN: I refuse to answer on the grounds that this sort of occult fixation endangers my beliefs and weakens the very nature of Christianity. Ah, fuck it: Libra, Libra rising.
Star of the day. . .The Count, a ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa