Brooding was starting to get monotonous, and the Christmas tree was finally taken away, leaving me with nothing to stew over, so I decided to Google the phrase "noon blue apples," which I read over the weekend in a book about conspiracies.

My search, which cannot be called exactly comprehensive, led me to a review of a movie called "Noon Blue Apples," which apparently includes the notion that Scott Baio is the Antichrist.

So, that's what he's up to. See... the answers really are available. You just have to put it out there, maaaaaaaaan.

Going through my head, in a loop, this afternoon:

1. Wow. This lipstick is genuinely ugly. It makes me look like a harridan. That's kind of a good word. Harridan. I should use that more often.

2. If another one of those bitches asks me when the office Christmas tree is going to be removed, I'm going to pick it up and throw it at her. And then beat her with it. While singing "O, Tannenbaum."

3. How is it that I picked up the lipstick I wanted, verified it was the lipstick I wanted, bought it, and yet ended up with this OTHER lipstick, which is the color of a Dairy Queen cherry Dilly Bar? Harridan Red. That's what I'll call it.

4. My inability to tolerate workplace dynamics is gradually pushing me toward the brink of unemployability.

5. Or maybe it's just my general hatred, you know, of everyone. And anyway, the people whining that they're embarrassed for customers to see that our tree is still up are the same ones who have no qualms about wearing a transparent shirt patterned with giant maroon flowers, through which you can see their bra with the Mervyn's tag still on it.

6. But really, how can I work with people to whom an acceptable form of professional communication is the Silent Treatment? Well, the Silent Treatment combined with back-biting. Which I don't deserve, because as you know, I am perfect, outside of this lipstick.

7. Back to the tree: What really irritates me about the whole thing is that whenever they ask me about it, they also wince and outline the form of a Christmas tree with their hands, as if trying to engage me in a game of Charades. Sometimes they mouth the word "tree" at the same time, with a fake-apologetic look, as if I would not somehow know that today is the sixth of January, and hence it is time to remove the tree. Maybe next time I'll act indignant that they want to take down the beautiful, beautiful tree, beloved by all.

8. Should I even care about the Silent Treatment? I mean, the girl doing it is the same one who gathered up an angry posse of her friends to go see "A Day Without a Mexican," in the mistaken belief that it espoused the benefits of ethnic cleansing.

9. Fucking idiots.

10. I wonder what Scott Baio is doing right now.

Star of the day. . .Duh... Scott Baio...

posted @ 3:00 p.m. on 01.06.05 before | after