Yesterday, we took third place�especially impressive when you realize that there were a total of three boats racing in our class. We missed second by less than a minute�not exactly a photo finish, but also not horrible. Franklin chalked our slower time up to �boat handling,� by which he meant, �everyone on the boat screwing things up, except me, but especially you, McGanty.�

And, see? That is not even true. It�s just the way I hear it. The Peligro is a high-tech race boat, and it�s my first season crewing, and every week, when I get on board, I am faced once again with my lack of perfection. We all get hollered at by the skipper from time to time, but I�ve noticed I�m the only one who ever apologizes. The Keelhauler gets hollered at for, say, taking too long to reattach the spinnaker pole during a jibe. He finishes the task and jumps back into the cockpit to attend to other jobs. Everett, the skipper�s brother, gets hollered at for messing around with the GPS instead of reading the course flags, so he puts down the GPS and announces the course. I get hollered at for, say, failing to trim the jib quickly enough when we round the downwind mark heeled over 40 degrees and three inches from another boat, and here�s what I do: repeat, �Sorry� Sorry�� and trim the jib faster, avoiding everyone�s eyes, and brooding internally.

I should probably clarify: when I say �holler,� that�s an unfair description. Franklin does not �holler,� in fact if anything, his voice is so carefully modulated as to be barely audible over the wind and the barking sea lions and all. And his �corrections,� lets call them, are specifically not personal. I know this and in theory I understand it, but I still automatically apologize.

It's not that there's no accountability on the boat; after a race, when we�re putting the boat away and discussing all the things we did wrong, The Keelhauler might say, �That second takedown was too slow�that was my fault, the halyard had a kink in it at the block and I didn't see it,� and Franklin will say, �We�re a crew�we all work together,� and everything is fine, no harm done. I think I'm just afraid that he's gathering information, and at the end of the year, he'll assess that I've spent all our race time sitting back, contemplating the sunlight shining through the spinnakers on the boats behind us, or watching for flying fish, and boot me off the crew.

Anyway, I�m trying to turn over a new leaf, because I think it hurts my standing as a crew member to be constantly apologizing for things. Last week, when we were setting out, Franklin was commenting as he looked at the spinnaker in the bag, that I�d packed it backwards�no big deal if I had, but the numbers would read backwards, which would damage his prestige at the yacht club. I apologized. When it came time to set the sail, I looked up and noticed that the numbers were not backwards; I�d packed the sail correctly, as I invariably do. He did not apologize, and I didn�t point it out.

Yesterday, when he hollered that we'd sailed through a wide patch of kelp (that I didn�t see because I was secretly watching the dolphins swimming six feet off our starboard side), I didn�t apologize. I just said, �Yeah. That kelp�s hard to see, in this light.� Everyone just agreed with me, saying, �Yeah. Sure is.�

She lay awake all night,

zzzzzzzzzzz......