What's your twenty? No, really. What is it? In Official Ten Code, "twenty" means "location," so I'm asking where you are. If I said "What's your 84?" I'd be asking for your phone number, but if I sensed that my request made you uncomfortable, I could add, "10-26," which is "Disregard last transmission."

There are lots of useful numbers in the Official Ten Code, like "10-56," for "Intoxicated Pedestrian." "10-90" means "I have TVI," which I don't really understand, but would seem to require penicillin.

My enthusiasm today can be attributed to a great new record I got at the thrift store. It's from 1976. It's a shame I don't have a record player, but just reading the pamphlet that came with it is like a Berlitz course in Trucker. It's called HOW TO CB. 500 CB Terms for Quick on the Road Reference, and it covers things like How To Pick a Handle, and How To Use CB Etiquette. The back of the pamphlet features a copy of the FCC regulations controlling citizens band radio traffic, and it is fascinating to read. (I guess.)

More interesting are the helpful hints, like Never use channel 9 for conversation, and Do not tie up a channel with idle talk, in order to reserve the channel for discussion of, like, grain futures, or something.

The back of the record lists practical ways to use "C B slanguage," as in this example:

"Hey Artichoke you better hammer up at exit 33 north, you got a granny pushin' a pregnant roller skate in the monster lane." (Exactly!)

Clearly, the decline of the CB's popularity has stripped a certain elegance from our language, and while I never actually heard anyone outside of a Burt Reynolds movie speak that way, I appreciate its subtlety. Here are some terms, gleaned from the glossary included with the record, which as I mentioned I have not listened to, owing to not having a turntable. I have categorized them for ease of reference. You're welcome.

Difficult to Work Into Conversation Naturally

• Angel Dust � Casual loan of money


• Going Like a Raped Ape � Driving very fast


• Hair Cut Place � Low bridge


• Little Beaver � Daughter


• Motion Lotion -- Gasoline


• Smokin� With The Devil � Speeding with poor road conditions


• Tighten Your Seat Down We�re Running Heavy � We�re ready to accelerate

Largely Useless

• Anchored Modulator � Someone monitoring a base station


• Glory Card � License for C.B.


• Hamburger Helper � Power amplifier used to boost power (this is illegal)


• Kenosha Cadillac � AMC products


• Rookie Rig � New CB radio


• When Did You Get In This Business? � How long have you been a CBer?

Worthy of Revival

• Alice in Wonderland � Indecisive driver


• Brain Train � School bus


• Fox Jaws � Female with a sexy voice


• Pavement Princess � Hooker who hangs around truck stops


• Quasar � Female


• Rum Room � Bar


• Stack �em Eights � Good wishes


• Super Skirt -- Woman

Potentially Useful, Yet Puzzling

• Hard Ankle � Man


• Rubber Band Going � Accelerating


• Stop to Get Groceries � Stop to get food


• Whomping On You � Your transmission has been interfered with


• 10-2000 � Narcotics pusher

And that's a 10-4, good buddy, toppin' these hills and poppin' these pills, we're down, out and on the side.

Star of the day. . .Jerry Reed