What's your twenty? No, really. What is it? In Official Ten Code, "twenty" means "location," so I'm asking where you are. If I said "What's your 84?" I'd be asking for your phone number, but if I sensed that my request made you uncomfortable, I could add, "10-26," which is "Disregard last transmission."

There are lots of useful numbers in the Official Ten Code, like "10-56," for "Intoxicated Pedestrian." "10-90" means "I have TVI," which I don't really understand, but would seem to require penicillin.

My enthusiasm today can be attributed to a great new record I got at the thrift store. It's from 1976. It's a shame I don't have a record player, but just reading the pamphlet that came with it is like a Berlitz course in Trucker. It's called HOW TO CB. 500 CB Terms for Quick on the Road Reference, and it covers things like How To Pick a Handle, and How To Use CB Etiquette. The back of the pamphlet features a copy of the FCC regulations controlling citizens band radio traffic, and it is fascinating to read. (I guess.)

More interesting are the helpful hints, like Never use channel 9 for conversation, and Do not tie up a channel with idle talk, in order to reserve the channel for discussion of, like, grain futures, or something.

The back of the record lists practical ways to use "C B slanguage," as in this example:

"Hey Artichoke you better hammer up at exit 33 north, you got a granny pushin' a pregnant roller skate in the monster lane." (Exactly!)

Clearly, the decline of the CB's popularity has stripped a certain elegance from our language, and while I never actually heard anyone outside of a Burt Reynolds movie speak that way, I appreciate its subtlety. Here are some terms, gleaned from the glossary included with the record, which as I mentioned I have not listened to, owing to not having a turntable. I have categorized them for ease of reference. You're welcome.

Difficult to Work Into Conversation Naturally

• Angel Dust – Casual loan of money


• Going Like a Raped Ape – Driving very fast


• Hair Cut Place – Low bridge


• Little Beaver – Daughter


• Motion Lotion -- Gasoline


• Smokin’ With The Devil – Speeding with poor road conditions


• Tighten Your Seat Down We’re Running Heavy – We’re ready to accelerate

Largely Useless

• Anchored Modulator – Someone monitoring a base station


• Glory Card – License for C.B.


• Hamburger Helper – Power amplifier used to boost power (this is illegal)


• Kenosha Cadillac – AMC products


• Rookie Rig – New CB radio


• When Did You Get In This Business? – How long have you been a CBer?

Worthy of Revival

• Alice in Wonderland – Indecisive driver


• Brain Train – School bus


• Fox Jaws – Female with a sexy voice


• Pavement Princess – Hooker who hangs around truck stops


• Quasar – Female


• Rum Room – Bar


• Stack ‘em Eights – Good wishes


• Super Skirt -- Woman

Potentially Useful, Yet Puzzling

• Hard Ankle – Man


• Rubber Band Going – Accelerating


• Stop to Get Groceries – Stop to get food


• Whomping On You – Your transmission has been interfered with


• 10-2000 – Narcotics pusher

And that's a 10-4, good buddy, toppin' these hills and poppin' these pills, we're down, out and on the side.

Star of the day. . .Jerry Reed